Insomnia isn’t a relaxation problem. Trying harder backfires, and here’s why.
If you’ve struggled with sleep you’ve probably been told to just relax. It’s well meant advice, but it rarely works for people experiencing insomnia. Understanding why is the first step toward better sleep.
Sleep is something you can't force
Sleep is one of the few things in life that gets harder the more effort you put in. Researchers even have a name for it: sleep effort. Trying to make sleep happen switches on the same alert system that keeps you awake.
So when you lie there telling yourself to relax, your brain hears a different message: this is a problem, and we need to solve it. That's not a recipe for drifting off.
Your bed may have learned the wrong lesson
Here's the part most people never hear. After enough nights of lying awake, frustrated and checking the clock, your brain starts to link your bed with being awake.
That's why so many people feel sleepy on the couch, then wide awake the minute their head hits the pillow. It isn't your imagination. It's a learned pattern, and learned patterns can be retrained.
Sleep researchers often describe insomnia in three layers. Something made you vulnerable, like being a light sleeper or prone to worry. Something started it, like a job change, a loss, a health scare, or perimenopause. And then habits keep it going long after the trigger is gone.
Those habits usually make perfect sense. Going to bed early to catch up. Sleeping in after a bad night. Staying in bed longer, hoping sleep will come. They're reasonable ways to cope. They also tend to keep insomnia going.
What actually works
Two of the most effective tools come from CBT-I (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia), the approach sleep researchers recommend first for chronic insomnia. Both help your brain relearn that bed is for sleep, and you can start them this week.
Keep the same wake-up time every day. Weekends too. Your wake time anchors your body clock more than your bedtime does. Pick a time you can keep seven days a week, and hold to it even after a rough night.
If you're not sleeping, get up. When you've been awake for what feels like about 20 minutes (no clock checking), get out of bed and go somewhere dim and quiet. Read something dull, fold laundry, sit with a cup of herbal tea. Go back to bed only when you feel sleepy. This feels backward at first. Over time, it teaches your brain that bed means sleep again.
Don't expect a difference the first night. These work over weeks, not overnight. That's normal, and it's how retraining works.
If you've been living with bad sleep for months or years, hear this: you don't have to just live with it, and a customized approach to YOUR individual circumstances is what changes thing - for good.
Rest well,
Rhenda
Rhenda Hodnett, PhD, LCSW
Embracing Wellness Now
P.S. If sleep has been hard for a while, and you wonder if CBT-I can help, let’s discuss your specific circumstances. You can book a free discovery call here: https://calendly.com/rhenda-hodnett/discovery-call. Not sure whether it's insomnia? My quick sleep screener can help you sort that out: https://sleepscreen.pages.dev
This email is for education and isn't a substitute for individual medical or mental health care.
